But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. (1 Thessalonians 2:7, ESV)
For you know how, like a father with his children (1 Thessalonians 2:11, ESV)
Christina and I are in a season of preparation, readying ourselves for the inevitable departure into adulthood of all our daughters. With our first recently off to college, we have begun more intentionally seeking wisdom from others on how to parent adult children.
One dear friend suggested a book with a fascinating title subtitle: Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out by Jim Burns. Since Christina and I are both natural teachers with no shortage of "wisdom" to impart, the subtitle grabbed me: Keep my mouth shut? I've gotta read this.
Well, I did and was abundantly blessed by the contents within. The book was organized by stages, leading up to the final years of a parent's life. For each unique stage of a child's adult life—college, early career, dating, possible marriage, financial struggles, floundering, thriving—Jim Burns gave solid, practical, and biblical counsel on how to parent during each season.
Near the beginning of the book, he laid out four simple strategies that can help a parent shift into a different style of parenting when their kids shift into adulthood. They are listed below, with some of my thoughts on each.
1. Be encouraging but not intrusive.
In this section, Burns used an example of a mother who told her full-grown vice president of a successful tech firm daughter to put on her coat because of cold weather. The mom's attitude was, "I am your mother, and you need to listen to me."
But an intrusive parent will not be welcomed for long by their adult children. If they are to become adults, and if you are to enjoy the experience of an adult-to-adult relationship with them, then you'd better treat them as adults. Refusing to do so will make them unwilling to be around you, knowing that any small interaction might turn into a confrontation about their (adult) decisions.
I once sat in a circle of men from various age groups. One father began teasing his adult son about the condition of his vehicle in front of the other men. It might have garnered a few laughs at the moment, but public (or private) criticisms damage a parent/adult-child relationship.
Be as encouraging as you can be during the transition from childhood to adulthood. Try not to compare them and their generation to you and yours. Avoid the trap of dismissing their anxieties and worries. And remember that advice is often perceived as a veiled criticism.
2. Be caring, but do not enable dependency.
If your child is going to flourish into adulthood, help them transition from being your dependent to being empowered to care for themselves. Just as water seeks the lowest point, humans often seek the easiest path, and your children are no different. If they know that you define love as enabling them to mooch off you forever, it might prove to be an irresistible temptation for them.
Burns says we should make it easier for them by expecting them "to take full responsibility for their finances, actions, relationships, growth, and development." You must expect a bit of pain during this process because emerging adults cannot possibly make the best decision at all times. They might—sometimes—learn the easy way, through instruction and observation, but they will quite often learn the hard way. But, if you rescue them whenever they choose poorly, they will have a hard time learning life's invaluable lessons.
3. Invest in your emotional, physical, and spiritual health.
If you aren't healthy while your children transition to adulthood, you will do unhealthy things to the relationship. So it is important to knuckle down and focus on your walk with God, your own personal growth, and your physical health during this season. This is not to say that you are done thinking about and serving your children once they leave for college—as if now it's time to be all about you. It is merely an acknowledgment that imbalanced people will put strange pressure on their children, so we should become balanced, whole, and healthy individuals. And this takes work.
Though their shift into adulthood is beset with many challenges, the shift in your relationship with them is likely much easier for them than it is for you. Think about your own shift into adulthood—did you struggle at all with the change in your relationship with your parents? Probably not. It was your parents who had to grapple with the change in role. You were simply excited about your newfound freedom and sense of independence.
Because this shift is more taxing for you, the parent, it is important that you prioritize healthy activities and relationships during this season. Be willing to acknowledge the challenges attached to loving them enough to let them go. Find resources that will help you gain a healthy perspective during this time (perhaps even the book I'm referencing here). And develop a network of friends and mentors who will reinforce your commitment to allow the relationship to shift, confronting you if need be.
And take the time to enjoy your own newfound freedom and independence. You worked hard to get to this point. And, though you always want to be there for your children, there is only so much you can do now. Instead, celebrate a little and trust God for their success.
4. Have Serious Fun
This final strategy resonates with me. As my kids age, the relationship shifts. I hope they always see me as a beacon of wisdom and knowledge, but they will inevitably live with—at least slightly—different aims than I have. They will not always build their lives the way I've built mine. But Burns said it this way: "Transitioning to a new role isn't all loss and tears. There is also some serious fun to be had! You can't determine the outcome of your children's lives, so shift your focus to creating fun and enjoyable experiences you can share." When your kids think you think they are fun to be around, they will feel safer around you. This sense of safety will open them up to seeking your wisdom and guidance. And being a family that laughs and enjoys one another is a family that has a necessary ingredient for long-term relational closeness.
Burns said: "Words don't always lead to connection, but enjoyable connections lead to words." Well said. For my part, I have a vision to, especially in my kids' young adult years, provide them with opportunities to vacation and celebrate special occasions with us, knowing that fun times together will be a relational glue that leads to so much more.
Doing Life With Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out by Jim Burns on Amazon.
